Tonight I’ve been listening online to someone who spoke in the church I go to a few years ago. I’ve listened to this particular talk several times in the last few days. I’m planning on blogging properly on it in the next week or two.
It was very powerful, raw, and real. Which is what I have discovered this church I’m going to to be. Its become a place for me where I have stopped, deflated completely and come to the total end of myself, and yet it seems to be the place that is also painfully and slowly letting me be me, the real me and loving me to start the process of re piecing the fragmented person I was/am together again.
Anyway – this guy was talking about it being ok to cry. And it being ok to cry out to God. And that God is there. He hears our cries and in an instant is with us. Right beside us. He mentioned 2 Samuel 22. Where David CRIED out to God.
And I’m reminded of this poem that I wrote during a few days away at a christian retreat place at the end of November. Just the month previous I had been so critically ill I almost died, and along side that having made a recommitment to God again found myself living throughout the most horrific nightmares and flashbacks I could ever have imagined. And every time I tried to pray/read the bible/worship/focus on God in any way I was just overwhelmed by darkness and images of events that have scarred my mind for too long.
It was all I could do to hold on. And I cried out to God. Cried and cried and cried out to God. In fact its all I have done over the last 6 months, in terms of physical tears. And then over the last few years just shouting through the pain and torment. But I’m slowly realising that its ok. IT IS OK. It is ok to cry. To CRY OUT to God. To call on Him. In our pain.
So as I read 2 Samuel 22 tonight – I was reminded of this poem I wrote. And I wrote the first part first. At the beginning of the few days away I had at this place, I was an absolutely exhausted wreck. I was off sick from work, I was feeling quite ill still, my head was spinning from all that was going on, and I wrote what I longed for. What i longed to be there. Love, hope, peace, grace and forgiveness. And I cried. By the end of that few days away I realised, those things had come. Have come. I just have to accept them.
And learn to accept that it is OK to cry out to God. And that He does hear me.
Here is love, for He has heard my cry
Here is love
For He has heard my cry, night after night,
Here is hope
For He has heard my cry, day after day.
Here is peace,
For He has heard my cry, week after week.
Here is grace,
For He has heard my cry, month after month.
Here is forgiveness,
For He has heard my cry, year after year.
Here is love,
For He has heard my cry, and He has come.